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 If I close my eyes I can still smell the aroma of Italian sausage and marinara sauce simmering in my grandmothers 50’s styled-kitchen. With its white Tappan-O’Keefe range, chrome and Formica kitchen table with matching yellow vinyl chairs, and pull-down table lamp, grandmother’s kitchen is where all of the family action happened. The one stand out recollection I have of grandmother’s kitchen is morning breakfast with my grandfather and his blue cereal bowl, when I was 5 years old.

             “Good morning princess”, Grandpa said in his deep morning voice as I stumbled into the kitchen rubbing the sand from eyes.

             “Did you have sweet dreams?”, he asked.

 I shook my head yes, up and down with my eyes only partially opened, still half asleep and probably still dreaming of Puff the Magic Dragon and his magical flute.                                                                                               

Grandpa pointed with his well-beaten hand to the bright yellow chair with the shiny silver legs that sat against the wall, above it hung a clock with the moving eyes on it. That clock was always scary because it watched every move I made. If I closed my eyes and peaked out of my fingers it would always be looking back at me.

        Patting the seat cushion with his hand, Grandpa directed me to sit.

        “What’ll it be today Princess?”, he asked

        “Rice Krispies, or Corn Flakes?”

It was either or, the only two choices I had, unless it was winter, then I could choose to have oatmeal with cinnamon.

        “Rice Kripie”, I said.

It would take me another two years before I was able to say my S’s right.

Grandpa would set out two bowls, a small green one for me, and his favorite blue bowl. Grandpa only ate breakfast out of one bowl, never another. I knew I would never be allowed to eat my cereal out of his bowl and I think that is what made that bowl seem so magical and special to me. It was Grandpa’s bowl, it had to be special, just like him.

Breakfast was our time, just Grandpa and I. Grandpa worked for the New York City Subway as a plumber and woke each day at 5 AM so he could make the 6 AM train into the city. I woke up and shared the first meal of the day with him almost daily. My breakfast routine is pretty much the same now as it was when I was five, except grandfather is no longer here with me and I now own the blue cereal bowl that he used to start each day.

Grandfather owned many valuable items but it was the blue cereal bowl that everyone in family wanted when he died in March 1974. My grandmother, a small woman with the most beautiful white hair, refused to surrender the bowl to anyone, choosing instead to keep it for her own use. When grandmother passed in 2000 I inherited the bowl. Grandfather’s blue bowl is not just a bowl, it’s a bowl with a life, and possesses the same endearing qualities that my graced my grandfather’s life

The qualities that made my grandfather so endearing can be found in this small weathered piece of glass. This beautiful blue bowl is sturdy, it has fallen to the floor many times, and has been violated by the clashing of other dishes but yet it survives. My blue bowl has integrity and holds up well under pressure. It has character as well, this magnificent bowl doesn’t try to be anything except a bowl, and it never leaves you wondering about its purpose.

 The lines that graced the corners of my grandfather’s Clark Gable-like weathered eyes can be seen in the reflection that bounces from the sides of the bowls smooth outer surface, a reminder that he is always watching over me. The bowl’s kiln-fired soft blue color has faded over the years from loving use but its age has made it no less useful. The scratches that are engrained into the surface of the bowl are the same marks of character that were etched into my grandfather’s life.

My blue bowl is a concrete reminder of the love and warmth I once received for a great man. The human love that once graced my life in the flesh now revisits me each morning as hot oatmeal warms my fingers and heart. My ordinary blue bowl is more than a vessel that holds physical nourishment, it also holds an unending supply of emotional nourishment that feeds my spirit. This small, tattered, bowl comforts me like no person can.

 My grandfather has been gone from this world 34 years, yet his life lives on through the life of his cereal bowl. In the quite still of the morning I can still hear Grandpa talking to me like he did when I was five.

         “Patty Ann, if you listen carefully the cereal will tell you a secret”, he would say.

        “Get you ear real close and listen”.

        “Do you hear it?” he would asked. “ The secret?”

        “Snap, crackle………POP!”, he would shout loudly and I would giggle.

It has crossed my mind that perhaps one day tragedy might befall my beloved bowl and on that day I most certainly will mourn the loss of my grandfather, but I find comfort in knowing that in the meantime my grandfather lives on through the secrets that are told to me through the Snap! Crackle! and Pop that speak out from the shallow of this small tattered blue glass bowl each morning.           

Happy Halloween

    

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Last night we went trick or treating.

I’ve always liked Halloween but it is so much more fun when you have a wee one to dress up.

My granddaughter wasn’t too sure about the dressing up part of Halloween. It took some time to convince her that it was ok to wear a dress with bears on it.

Trick or Treating takes place the day before Halloween where we live. I am not sure why that it is. It is held from 6 PM to 8 PM. The kids are only allowed to go to homes where the porch light is lit. There weren’t many homes with the porch light on this year, in fact there really weren’t that many kids out in my neighborhood, then again it was kind of cold.

Anna cried for the first few houses, she thought people were trying to take her candy bag, she’s quite territorial about some things. She soon started offering up her bag before reaching the door once she realized people were giving her candy. Kids learn fast.

I loved seeing the police scattered every few blocks with their lights flashing. The police were handing out candy and get this…Pizza to the kids. It was a nice thing for them to do.

Anna, my daughter and I were ready to call it quits after about 6 blocks. It was getting to close to bed time and Goldie Locks was ready for her bedtime story.

Halloween 2008 was fun and I was able to get some cute pictures of Anna. It’s all about the memories afterall.

Son

He’s my child, my baby, even at 21.

I still want to care, shelter, and protect him…but I am kept an arms length away.

I want to save him but I can’t…..some things not even a mother can do.

What did I do wrong? Choose a mistake, there are plenty to choose from.

Why can’t he see what so many, beside myself see?

He is gifted…….

An artist….a poet.

It’s hard to watch his blue eyes fade.

I’ve done the unthinkable…at least for a mother…I have already given thought to his funeral.

I feel like Nostradamus…a seer of the future…a prophesier.

They jumped from the burning building….free falling to certain death…they had no choice.

My boy has jumped and is free falling too….the only difference?….he has a cord to pull…a parachute.

PULL THE CORD BOY!!!! PULL THE DAMN CORD!!

You have to save yourself child…I have no special powers this time.

Son….you are loved….wanted…..and prayed for.

Mom

44 Years Old Today

 

There was only one person I wanted to spend my birthday with today…my mother. 

It was a great day. 

I spent time with my grandson and the playground, had a terrific ham and sweet potato dinner with my family, and received an amazing Maple Walnut Cake (my favorite cake) from my mother. 

I gave my mother a bouquet of flowers…to thank her for my life and to honor her for the pain that she had to endure birthing me.  My mother probably deserves to receive flowers everyday just for raising me and living to talk about it. 

Mom’s description of me as a young child is, “Strong-willed”. I think she’s just trying to be nice. The truth is, as my grandmother would say, I was “an angel with the horns of the devil.” An utterly impossible child, albeit kind of cute, which is why I think I was able to get away with so much.

My mother is Italian, so intense emotions were never in short supply. There’s no doubt that I  inherited some of that Mediterranean vim and vigor which is evidenced by my passionate responses to correction. I am my mother’s daughter which is I guess something for my mother to be proud of  but it couldn’t have been easy raising me.

I owe my mother so many apologies and maybe an Act of Contrition or two for my past wild ways but I don’t think I would ever be able to catch up.

As an adult I have changed and so has my relationship with my mother. I see her is a much different light now, perhaps because I have four grown children of my own and have had to face some the more painful aspects of being a mom too.

Today I don’t have a birthday wish, I just want to say thank-you to my mother. 

Mom, you are the strongest woman I know. You’re not only beautiful on the outside, you are also stunning on the inside. You possess all of the qualities that I admire…faith, loyality, and integrity. You love deep and give all to those you love. It would be honor to one day hear someone say to me, “Patty, you are just like your mother.”  

Thanks Mom…for choosing life, for giving up the Emmy’s to endure labor, for working two and three jobs to support me and Bill and for loving me so much. I love you too!

Mirror Shot

 

I love to journal my life through pictures. I am not a photographer, at least not professionally, but I stil enjoy snapping frames.

I took this photo while sitting on my front stoop, in front a mirror that I begged my daughter to hold for me.

Black and white snapshots,

Frozen in time—

A pinafore dress,

Braids neatly aligned.

Tears rim her eyes,

A lonely girl’s face.

Why does your heart ache?

Run, child, embrace grace.

A child on a swing,

Posing on cue.

“Say cheese, look this way!”

But a bee finds her too.

Gold lockets dangle,

Blue pools stare through.

A picture of perfection,

Still, not enough for you.

Search high and low,

A faint light will gleam.

The heart may be wounded,

Yet the spirit redeems.

Discarded, forgotten,

Thrown to the curb.

No value assigned,

Yet something stirs.

Tears fall from heaven,

Cold hands, frozen still.

The little girl waits,

Alone on the hill.

Raindrops, raindrops,

Wash it away.

Grant her the freedom

To truly play.

“Oh, Daddy, oh Mommy,

The price I have paid.

A woman now rising,

I’m finding my way.”

My Fear of Water

I was reminded over the weekend of an incident that happened to me when I was 3 years old. My family was camping Rhode Island. My father had rented a camper and headed out for a campsite that sat between the ocean and bay. I don’t really recall the small details like what kind of camper, or exactly we where but I do remember what happened after we arrived at the campsite.

 After we arrived I walked down to the waters edge with my yellow pail. I was having fun running into the water, gathering up some sand and water, and running back onto the shore to dump my bucket. On one run down to the water I fell. Not like a trip or an actual fall, but rather a drop. It was as if  suddenly the bottom of the bay opened up and swallowed me. I dropped below the waters surface and nothing. I didn’t know what was happening to me or understand that I was in any kind of danger. I vaguely recall thrashing about and being really scared. Everything was black. I have no recollection of anything else nor do I remember losing the light.

What happened next has been told to me by my parents and my brother.

My father, who was about 300 yards away from me, recalls watching me while I played. My mother was nearby on the shore. My father has told me that he recalls having this instinctive feeling to just keep watching me as I played. Something about my playing near the water made him uneasy.

Soon after his initial feelings my father heard the yells of some nearby children and saw that they were pointing to the water. My father looked over to where I had been standing and didn’t see me. All he saw was a pile of blonde hair floating on the water. He ran to where I had been and blindly dove into water not sure of exactly where I was. He remembers asking God to help him. My father found me, grabbed me, and pulled me from the water. My lungs were filled with water, and I was frieghtened, but alive. My father saved my life.

I was reminded of this story by my mother, because of I recently refused to get into a family members swimming pool. I have a fear of water and  have never really understood where that fear came from. It all makes sense to me now.

I guess I owe my dad a thank you!

Today I am here

Yesterday I was there.

Tomorrow I will be somewhere

 

Today I was sad

Yesterday I was too

Tomorrow I will be better

 

Today I was closer

Yesterday I was further

Tomorrow I will be closer still

 

Today I was regrouping

Yesterday I was saying good-bye

Tomorrow I will continue on

Motherly Advice

 

I have always taught my children, that for every action, good or bad there is a consequence.

 

My thought for the day:

 

It sucks to be on the receiving end of good advice. 🙂