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44 Years Old Today

 

There was only one person I wanted to spend my birthday with today…my mother. 

It was a great day. 

I spent time with my grandson and the playground, had a terrific ham and sweet potato dinner with my family, and received an amazing Maple Walnut Cake (my favorite cake) from my mother. 

I gave my mother a bouquet of flowers…to thank her for my life and to honor her for the pain that she had to endure birthing me.  My mother probably deserves to receive flowers everyday just for raising me and living to talk about it. 

Mom’s description of me as a young child is, “Strong-willed”. I think she’s just trying to be nice. The truth is, as my grandmother would say, I was “an angel with the horns of the devil.” An utterly impossible child, albeit kind of cute, which is why I think I was able to get away with so much.

My mother is Italian, so intense emotions were never in short supply. There’s no doubt that I  inherited some of that Mediterranean vim and vigor which is evidenced by my passionate responses to correction. I am my mother’s daughter which is I guess something for my mother to be proud of  but it couldn’t have been easy raising me.

I owe my mother so many apologies and maybe an Act of Contrition or two for my past wild ways but I don’t think I would ever be able to catch up.

As an adult I have changed and so has my relationship with my mother. I see her is a much different light now, perhaps because I have four grown children of my own and have had to face some the more painful aspects of being a mom too.

Today I don’t have a birthday wish, I just want to say thank-you to my mother. 

Mom, you are the strongest woman I know. You’re not only beautiful on the outside, you are also stunning on the inside. You possess all of the qualities that I admire…faith, loyality, and integrity. You love deep and give all to those you love. It would be honor to one day hear someone say to me, “Patty, you are just like your mother.”  

Thanks Mom…for choosing life, for giving up the Emmy’s to endure labor, for working two and three jobs to support me and Bill and for loving me so much. I love you too!

Mirror Shot

 

I love to journal my life through pictures. I am not a photographer, at least not professionally, but I stil enjoy snapping frames.

I took this photo while sitting on my front stoop, in front a mirror that I begged my daughter to hold for me.

Pictures in a tree

Black and white snapshots,

Frozen in time—

A pinafore dress,

Braids neatly aligned.

Tears rim her eyes,

A lonely girl’s face.

Why does your heart ache?

Run, child, embrace grace.

A child on a swing,

Posing on cue.

“Say cheese, look this way!”

But a bee finds her too.

Gold lockets dangle,

Blue pools stare through.

A picture of perfection,

Still, not enough for you.

Search high and low,

A faint light will gleam.

The heart may be wounded,

Yet the spirit redeems.

Discarded, forgotten,

Thrown to the curb.

No value assigned,

Yet something stirs.

Tears fall from heaven,

Cold hands, frozen still.

The little girl waits,

Alone on the hill.

Raindrops, raindrops,

Wash it away.

Grant her the freedom

To truly play.

“Oh, Daddy, oh Mommy,

The price I have paid.

A woman now rising,

I’m finding my way.”

My Fear of Water

I was reminded over the weekend of an incident that happened to me when I was 3 years old. My family was camping Rhode Island. My father had rented a camper and headed out for a campsite that sat between the ocean and bay. I don’t really recall the small details like what kind of camper, or exactly we where but I do remember what happened after we arrived at the campsite.

 After we arrived I walked down to the waters edge with my yellow pail. I was having fun running into the water, gathering up some sand and water, and running back onto the shore to dump my bucket. On one run down to the water I fell. Not like a trip or an actual fall, but rather a drop. It was as if  suddenly the bottom of the bay opened up and swallowed me. I dropped below the waters surface and nothing. I didn’t know what was happening to me or understand that I was in any kind of danger. I vaguely recall thrashing about and being really scared. Everything was black. I have no recollection of anything else nor do I remember losing the light.

What happened next has been told to me by my parents and my brother.

My father, who was about 300 yards away from me, recalls watching me while I played. My mother was nearby on the shore. My father has told me that he recalls having this instinctive feeling to just keep watching me as I played. Something about my playing near the water made him uneasy.

Soon after his initial feelings my father heard the yells of some nearby children and saw that they were pointing to the water. My father looked over to where I had been standing and didn’t see me. All he saw was a pile of blonde hair floating on the water. He ran to where I had been and blindly dove into water not sure of exactly where I was. He remembers asking God to help him. My father found me, grabbed me, and pulled me from the water. My lungs were filled with water, and I was frieghtened, but alive. My father saved my life.

I was reminded of this story by my mother, because of I recently refused to get into a family members swimming pool. I have a fear of water and  have never really understood where that fear came from. It all makes sense to me now.

I guess I owe my dad a thank you!

Today, Yesterday, Tomorrow

Today I am here

Yesterday I was there.

Tomorrow I will be somewhere

 

Today I was sad

Yesterday I was too

Tomorrow I will be better

 

Today I was closer

Yesterday I was further

Tomorrow I will be closer still

 

Today I was regrouping

Yesterday I was saying good-bye

Tomorrow I will continue on

Motherly Advice

 

I have always taught my children, that for every action, good or bad there is a consequence.

 

My thought for the day:

 

It sucks to be on the receiving end of good advice. 🙂

Rules to Live By

 

Live each day with purpose.

Choose your words carefully.

Do nothing with only yourself in mind.

Share your gifts.

Clean up after yourself.

Bandage accidental wounds.

Lend not one, but both of your hands.

Offer to carry someone else’s load so they can catch their breath.

Speak the truth gently.

Expose contempt with love.

Be kind to yourself.

Be willing to forgive the forgivable, and then forget.

Nourish your spirit, not just your body.

Be a good steward of friendship.

Don’t harbor anger.

Put trash in its rightful place.

Live each moment with honor.

Count your blessings.

Act with pure intention.

Pray for you enemies.

And lastly……

 

Make peace before you close your eyes at night, you might not get another tomorrow.

 

 

Choices

 

 

Focus

Achieve 

 

Let Go

Receive peace

 

Hold Tight

Invite misery

 

Play dodge with past

Die

 

Live in the present

Grow

 

Look to the Future

Hope

 

Is it important?

Maybe not, maybe so.

 

Seek growth

Flourish

 

Remain still

Restrict the mind

 

Positive

Negates negative

 

Hate

Surrenders  power

 

Grudges

Take energy

 

Forgiveness

Set us free

 

 

What Is

I was wrong but,

I wasn’t wrong.

 

I was right but,

I wasn’t right.

 

Gut feelings rarely are wrong,

Neither are street smarts.

 

I have a rough edge,

Certainly not refined.

 

Lack of formal education only means

That I haven’t been trained.

 

I may be unpolished but

There is still a gem underneath.

 

Sometimes it is better to 

Hold some secrets deep.

 

You either know or,

You don’t.

 

You either get it or

You don’t.

 

Authentic means to be real, genuine,

In it’s original state, left untouched

 

I am authentically myself.

 

A raw uncut diamond is rough,

Its value though depends on its luster.

 

I am raw, in my original state,

Neither cut nor polished to conform.

 

Natural beauty vs fabricated,

What are you in the market for?

 

It’s all in what you heart desires

Mine desires just what is.